Sunday, June 6, 2010

If you really knew me...

This is a phrase we use a lot in Challenge Day, it lets us express our truth of what it’s like to be who we are, where we are. It is a sign of trust, because in sharing whatever it is that follows an “if you really knew me” is something below the water line, and letting the other person see what is usually hidden from others’ view.
I have been thinking hard about this blog, and what I wanted it to be. I saw two real options, I could either keep it on the surface level, writing about things that really don’t get deeper than an average conversation, or I can give a glimpse into what it is like to be me, right now. I decided to take the more difficult and vulnerable path in letting you all see the real me. After all, my light, the light of God, cannot shine if I hide it under a bucket, and I cannot do good in this world if I am not first good to myself, no hiding.
So, here it goes:
If you knew me, if you really really knew me, you’d know that I am more scared now than I can ever remember being at any point before in my life. Everything is changing, and I am overwhelmed and confused. It is to the point where I don’t even know what I don’t know. I am scared.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I have my good days, like always, but I also have my bad days. Life is like a rollercoaster, and often I’m up and down on the same day, which leaves me even more confused. When I’m up, I’m excited for this new adventure, and ready to get going with my own life. I feel good about how far I’ve come, and confident about moving forward. When I’m down, I’m scared to leave, uncertain about what is awaiting me, and not sure if I can make it out there. I already miss my family and the life that I know. I am scared, and then I am ashamed at myself for being scared. Usually, I do not let myself be so afraid; I can control my emotions and be positive. It makes me feel weak that I simply cannot.
If you really knew me, you’d know that what I need now is not someone to fix me. What I need are people who love me enough to hold space for me, who are ok with me not being ok. My parents and friends have been great about this, and I am incredibly grateful.
Throughout everything, the little normal things are what hold me together. I went for a run yesterday, out in the country, where it’s open. This morning, I went to morning mass, which, if you really knew me, was kind of intimidating, because I haven’t been in so long. And even though it was different, it felt good. But normal stuff, talking with a friend, and with an old teacher, following my friends to WalMart. The normal stuff makes life make sense. At least for now.
So now, you know, you really know me.